Anyone got any good JOKES!

An army captain takes his post in Iraq. "Whats this camel doing tied up outside the barracks soldier?" Soldier replies "There are 250 men here and no women. Sometimes the men get 'urges' sir!". A month later and captain has urges of his own. He puts a ladder behind the Camel, gets up and shags the camel. He says "Is th...at how the men do it soldier?" "No sir! They usually ride it to the brothel!"

Irish prostitute in a police station. The desk sergeant says 'So when did you realised you'd been raped? To which she replied 'When the cheque bounced!'

A woman with tiny tits goes into M&S and asks for a bra siza 32aaaa. They don't do anything that small

She goes into La Senza and asks for the same. They don't do that size either.

After several stores with the same answer she storms into Debenhams, marches to the lingerie department and pulls her top off and yells 'Do you have anything for these? '

The assistant asked 'Have you tried clearasil?'

Q - Why do they call the Camel the 'Ship of the desert??....................................................................



A - They're full of Arab Semen

A Paddy's Day one

What do priests and guinness have in common? ? ?

Black coat, white collar and watch your arse if you get a dodgy one

Comic Relief is launched again today. They keep on about Africans who live in mud huts, and have a 5 hr walk to get water.

Is it just me, or would you move the hut?

three generations of prostitutes were talking, the youngest one says `I just got £50 for a blow job` the mother says `in my day that was only a fiver` the grandmother says ` in my day we were pleased with the warm drink`.

Some say Sunderland are still in the Premiership - thats a good joke

A guy goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor." Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

I went to me mates funeral today, was the first time i'd met his parents.... right fooking miserable pair.

You are on a horse galloping away at speed. On your right is a sharp drop, on your left there is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you. Directly infront of you is a kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind a lion is chasing you. What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?



Get the fook off the merry-go-round and act your age!!!


A guy goes to the local council for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
"Yes, caffeine" he answers
"Have you ever been in the armed forces?"
"Yes, Iraq for 2 years" he says
"Are you disabled in anyway?"
"Yes, a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off".
The interviewer says "Ok you are hired, the hours are 8am til 3pm but you can start at 10am everyday"
The guy looks puzzled and asks why 10am?
The interviewer says,
"This is a job for the council, for the first 2 hours we stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks so not much point in you coming in for that!"

Mag fans still referring to NUFC as "a big club"........