Joke thread!

Anyone got any good jokes???

2 blokes walking down the road see a blind dog shagging a cabbage. One man says to the other ...poor fooka, must think its a collie

I was teaching a group of muslim students how to line dance yesterday...... They seemed to be doing alright until the train hit them!

R.I.P. Seve Ballesteros.He placed more wrinkled white balls on the rim of a small hole than Gary Glitter.

A Native American introduced me to his wife..."This is four horses.........." I say "That's a beautiful name. What does it mean..."? He said "Fuckin nag,nag,nag,nag!

I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met Andy's mums toys? I mean, they'd probably have the same names...

quality lol

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fook your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave

Paddy phones for an ambulance as Murphy's been hit by a car.
Operator asks "where are you"
Paddy replies "Eucalyptus Road outside No' 28"
Operator asks "How do you spell Eucalyptus?"
The line goes dead for 5 mins.
Operator gets a bit worried then Paddy says "Sorry about that, I've just dragged him around to Oak Street"

Damn I thought it was going to be about philscooby

A man walks into a halfords and says "I would like a rear view mirror for my Evo" The assistant thinks about it for a while and replies "Yeah, seems like a fair trade ".



A football team loses their star player "Roger Dicks" due to an injury. The next day a headline in the local paper read: Team to play without Dicks The manager calls the newspaper and objects so the newspaper changes the headline, it read: Team to play with Dicks out.



A policeman spots a black guy dancing on the roof of a VW car. He radios for backup saying " I've a black fella dancing on a car roof"
"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator, "You have to use political correct technology, "OK" he says "Zulu......Tango..........Golf"



I found an alien masterbating in me freezer and I asked "what are you doing" and it replied "I cum in peas"

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

After 20 years together, my wife still gets upset if i use her toothbrush. But if anyone knows a better way to get dog shit out of trainers, im all ears.

For that authentic Spiderman impression at children's parties try wanking into your hand and flinging it across the room!

ive just got a phonecall off the police saying our house had been broken into, they've drunk your Stella and raped your wife. I said I can't believe they've shagged our lass after only 5 cans!!

More bad News for Jordan last Night. Peter andre rang to talk to the kids and Harvey answered the Iron!

WOMEN'S LONELY HEARTS ADS
What they really mean:

ADVENTUROUS = Slut
ATHLETIC = No tits
30 SOMETHING = 41
FUN = Annoying
WILD = Gets pissed easily
BEAUTIFUL EYES = Face like a robber's dog
SEEKS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR = Ex-Husbands a fookin nutter
NEW-AGE = Hairy with a smelly fanny
HEADSTRONG = Argumentative
ENJOYS PUBBING & CLUBBING = Alcoholic
CURVY = Fat cunt
CUDDLY = Fat cunt
LIKES EATING OUT = Greedy fat cunt
LIKES NIGHTS IN = Lazy fat cunt

Two young boys go into a chemists, pick up a box of tampax and go to the counter. The woman says to the older boy "how old are you?" "8" he replies. The woman says "do you know how these are used?". The boy replies "no not exactly, but they're not for me they're for him, he's my brother, he's 4. We saw the ad on tv and it said with these you'll be able to swim and ride a bike and he can't do either!"

Scientists have discovered a human jawbone that is over two million years old ....they believe it belonged to a woman as it was still fookin moving.

Man sits next 2 a guy with a dog on a plane & asks is he a guide dog?
No i'm a drugs officer, he's a sniffer dog, watch this & says to the dog 'Search'
The dog goes off, comes back & puts 1 paw on his lap. 'Heroin' the guy says & makes a note of the passenger. The dog comes back again & puts 2 paws on his lap. 'Coke' the guy says. The dog comes back again & shits all over the seat. What the fook is that the man asks. Guy replies
He's found a fookin bomb!

With hindsight I should have posted my facebook status as; "I have blown the head gasket on my 1997 Ford" rather than "I've just fucked a 13 year old escort"Still, I don't get out enough and a few hours at the police station made a change

Its 2012 Olympics in London. Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman want to get in but don't have tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate, "McLeish, Scotland, Discus" he says, and walks in. The Englishman puts a scaffolding pole over his shoulder, "Jones, England, Pole Vault" he says, and walks in. The Irishman picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm, "O'Leary, Ireland, Fencing."

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing.." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Every time I see a Jew I'd like to ask

Haven't you lost something?
About 6 million people....